One week, boys and girls. We are one week from the big day. Thanksgiving. One of the more underrated, underappreciated holidays on the calendar each year.
Everybody wants to just skip right past it to get to Christmas. I get it, but I don’t agree with it. I love Thanksgiving. An excuse to skip work, eat, drink and watch football all day? Oh no, what a terrible holiday!
It’s a fickle day, too. If you take a couple wrong steps in the kitchen, it can off the rails in a hurry. The food is everything on Thanksgiving. You can have great decor, a great vibe, solid drinks, hot chicks all over the place, none of it matters if you screw up the spread.
So, let me help you!
It’s our second annual Thanksgiving edition of NFL Power Rankings! Let’s rank these (mostly awful) teams based on the corresponding T-Day food.
Fryers on!
Tier 1: The FRIED turkey tier
1. Detroit Lions (LW: 1)
2. Buffalo Bills (4)
3. Kansas City Chiefs (2)
4. New Trump press sec Karoline Leavitt
Notice how I emphasized fried? That’s hugely important here. I fry a turkey every year in my fancy electric fryer I got for Christmas a few years back.
Side note: Don’t scoff at it, try it. I’ll never, ever go back. They’re the best. It’s a Butterball and it’s the most delightful two hours of my life every year (imagine how my wife must feel!). Fill it up with oil (peanut, you monsters), let it sit for about 45 minutes, open the lid, drop the bird in, close it, come back in about 45 minutes and take it out.
And it’s amazing. AND you don’t have to worry about possibly killing yourself and your loved ones on Thanksgiving. Peace of mind.
Anyway, a good fried turkey is exceptional. Oven-roasted turkeys are ass, and we’ll get to them in a bit. I’d suggest throwing some Cajun seasoning on yours, but what do I know?
This tier has been reduced to three teams. These three are the ones who I think can win a Super Bowl this year. That’s it. Lions, Bill, Chiefs. Everyone else might as well take their balls and head on home for the winter.
PS: Karoline!
Tier 2: The sweet potato casserole tier
5. Pittsburgh Steelers (7)*
6. Baltimore Ravens (4)**
7. Philadelphia Eagles (8)
8. Minnesota Vikings (6)
9. LA Chargers, but only when they don’t have huge leads in important games (10)
10. Washington Redskins (11)
11. Houston Texans (13)
12. Green Bay Packers (12)
13. San Francisco 49ers (9)***
*probably not as good as the team behind them, but they just beat them, so society says they need to be ahead.
** probably better than the team in front of them, but they just lost to them, so society says they need to be behind.
*** possibly fraudulent NFC West team
I actually had this as the top tier last year, which shows you how my Thanksgiving went last November. Don’t get me wrong, I still love sweet potato casserole, but it’s a delicate little game.
Don’t give me yams. Yams suck. Yams are ass. They also need to A) be sweet, and B) have the crunchy pecans and brown sugar layered on top (if you wanna mix in some marshmallows, that’s fine, too).
If you give me savory sweet potato casserole, I walk away. If you don’t put something on top of my sweet potato casserole, I call you lazy, and then I walk away. They’re delicious, but a lot can go wrong.
That’s pretty much allllllllll these teams. Good teams, but a ton can – and will – go wrong.
Anyone buying the Steelers being a better football team than the Ravens? I still can’t get there. Don’t know why, but I can’t. And I LOVE Mike Tomlin.
Chargers are probably too high, and the 49ers are probably too low, but that’s just the way it goes right now.
Vikings? Might stink. Don’t know yet.
Tier 3: The stuffing tier
14. Denver Broncos, who … might be good? (19)
15. Arizona Cardinals (19)*
16. LA Rams (20)*
17. Seattle Seahawks (17)*
18. Atlanta Falcons (14)
19. Miami Dolphins (22)
20. Tampa Bay Bucs, who were off but dropped five spots, which seems unfair (15)
21. NFL WAG Gia Duddy! (NR)
* possibly fraudulent NFC West team
Much like sweet potato casserole, this one comes with a ton of caveats. Don’t give me regular stuffing from a box. That’s gross and, frankly, insulting.
My mom makes cornbread and sausage stuffing. It’s incredible. It’s innovative. I need some innovation in my stuffing, or it doesn’t need to be on the table.
Also: keep the celery out of it. What’s that all about? Talk about a waste of time.
Broncos? They actually good or are they just that classic under-the-radar team that peaks in November in falls off a mountain in December? We get one every single year. Usually it’s the Dolphins. Might be Denver this year. We’ll see.
Also … does anyone want to win the NFC West? What’s going on out there?
Also also: Gia!
Tier 4: The pigs-in-a-blanket tier
22. Cincinnati Bengals (18)
23. Indy Colts (25)
Didn’t see that one coming, did you? Did you?! Last year, I put cranberry sauce in this spot, but I think I’ve moved off the sauce. I’m over it. Good run, but I’ve moved on.
Pigs-in-a-blanket may seem like an unconventional Thanksgiving Day menu item, but I’ve been to plenty of houses over the years that featured them as an appetizer before the main event. They’re relatively versatile, so they work on Thanksgiving just as well as they do at a Super Bowl party. I like that. A little weird, but they get the job done.
That’s what these two teams are. Weird, but maybe ready to go on a run. I know the Bengals just lost in demoralizing fashion, but you’re telling me that ain’t one of the best teams in the league? Come on.
Colts aren’t, but the schedule is favorable. That helps.
Tier 5: The oven-roasted turkey tier
24. New Orleans Saints, (23)
25. Carolina Panthers (24)
26. Chicago Bears (30)
27. New England Patriots (31)
28. Dallas Cowboys, who are most definitely cooked (26)
29. Mike McCarthy’s real estate agent (NR)
30. Deion Sanders’ real estate agent (NR)
31. Tennessee Titans (28)
32. Oakland Raiders (35)
33. Cleveland Browns (27)
34. Jacksonville Jaguars, who still somehow haven’t fired their head coach (29)
35. ‘Jaguar’ cars (NR)
36. South Alabama Jaguars (NR)
37. An actual jaguar
38. New York Jets (36)
39. New York Giants (37)
I warned you it was coming, and it’s here. Oven-roasted turkeys SUCK. They are the worst. They’re dry every single time. I don’t care what you tell me, they’re gonna be dry.
On top of that, they aren’t crispy. We have turkey one time of year. Collectively, that’s it for this country. Do you really want to waste your one time on a dry, non-crisp bird? I mean, my God. Talk about a miserable day.
It’s Liberal behavior. Don’t be a Liberal on Thanksgiving.
All of these teams STINK, and I can’t believe Mike McCarthy and Doug Pederson still have jobs. Nuts. Deion in Dallas? Please make it happen. The #content would be off the charts.
Patriots lowkey scare me this week in Miami. Classic trap game.
Solid little ad here for Jaguar. Can’t wait to see how it works out!
Again, don’t be a Liberal.
